with astrologers. Really. Visit your local university and find out for yourself.
Is today's horoscope-gag Boondocks a repeat? It looks familiar, except for Caesar's hair. . .
My Ghettoscope, courtesy of Bean Soup Times, is:
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Stay alert for the first signs of damage. Some would call you a pessimist, but you prefer to think of your philosophy as informed realism. If Pookie asks you where you are going tonight, then the caper is up. Maybe you should consider a life without the hook up at the freights.
Ok then.
My younger sister's reads:
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Hide from all ignorant people. You need a long bath instead of a quick shower. Even though you find it disgusting to sit there in your own dirt, the heat will do your pores some good.
Strange. I was going to visit her in a few days, but she hasn't called me back yet. . .
Update: I ain't naming no names.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Tonight, you are not just symbolized by the fish, but you will be sleeping with the fishes if you don’t stop disrespecting your mother. She brought you in this world.
The guilty know who they are.
um...
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your drinking problem has left you neither optimist nor pessimist. You don’t care if the glass is half full or half empty as long as there is SOMETHING in the glass.
ok, that's nothing like me at all right?
I'm fairly certain I never told you when my birthday is, but I did phone my mother this weekend.
kd, you worry too much. Have a nice, hot mug of coffee and relax. Unless it's after 10 in the morning, in which case, have a beer.
Hanne, guilty conscience much? that's very thoughtful of you, and I'm sure she appreciated hearing from you. How's she doing?
my mother was in vegas this weekend.
I don't think they have bid whist tables there for me to disrespect her at.
I'm tempting fate.
She's a crotchety control-freak pain in my ass, frankly, and spazzing out about coming here to visit for Thanksgiving for no good reason, but since we're not disrespecting our moms around here, she is just fine and utterly lovely in every way, naturally, and I can't wait to hear more of her thoughts on race and sniper fire and why I live in a very dangerous city.
Trade you one self-pitying dad for one spaz-out mom. Oh, and I'll throw in a difficult sister (isn't that trump this round?)
I'm not disresepcting my family. I'm gambling them away. Is that allowed?
I have here one passive-aggressive mom, AND a self-pitying dad, PLUS an evil sister from Hell.
What are my odds?
Okay, before I bid, can someone tell me whether an immediate relative who refuses to speak to you because you don't endorse their martyr-complex bullshit by enabling the behavior is worth *more* because they're completely 'round the tip, or less, because they're a silent entity?
Hoarding my chips until I find out...
well I've got a mother who I was planning on using caller id to avoid and she trumped me by using caller id to avoid me and make me feel really guilty. I really think I need to gamble her away.
Hanne: in determining the hierarchy of hands, the 'silent relative' can only be sorted out if you provide a percentage estimate of the likelyhood that silence will ever be broken. If the silence is likely to be a short-term strategy, then the relative is worth less. If it's permanent, infinitely more -- oh, for the nutburger relative that doesn't actually bother you! What a perfect situation!
Michelle: I suggest you swap silent relatives with Hanne. Then each of you has one, but no actual history with her, meaning their ability to evoke real guilt is nil, and you both get off scot-free.
What am I bid for one evil, manipulative, and truly insane auntie? She's Italian!!!
garrity, i'll trade you a matched set, uncle/aunt, retired schoolteacher/homemaker, regular churchgoers (presbyterian), boring as the dirt is long.
do i have a deal?
Good point, kd. I hadn't considered the value of the certain excitement level my family has. hahaha. Boring, they are not.
Oooh, kd, you're on. For a nice matched pair like that I'll even throw in a free bottle of my aunt's medication when I drop her off. Good luck getting her to take it.
alright garrity it's a deal. Vic and Eleanor are on their way to ya. they might need dusting and a nice coat of lemon pledge.
is auntie's medication fun? i might just take that, and enjoy the aunt as-is. maybe kinda psychedelic.
no seriously, i was thinking about all my relatives, and how boring and normal they are, and i realized ... *i'm* the family's pet weirdo.
they would probably like to trade me in.