I am a horrible person:
I laugh at fat kids running. I ripped Luke Perry's movie 8 Seconds to his face in front of a room full of comic geeks. I just called people I don't know comic geeks. I tell my girlfriend's sister what naughty things I do to her...while I'm at work with the sister...in front of the other co-workers. I program 10 or more plays of Hava Nagela on the jukebox before I leave the local bar (it's the bar's fault for putting it in there anyway). I beat my roommate with soft foam hockey pucks and an inflatable mallet. I've taken vegans to Outback Steakhouse.
None of these things however come close to the horror perpetrated by Pledge Jones. He's the devil. Evil courses through every bone in his body. This is a man who set fire to an old folks home. This is a man who stole somebody's crutches as they walked down a hill and laughed as they tumbled after. This is a man who, when approached for spare change by the homeless, has screamed at them, "There are shelters for that!" This is man who has released a tear gas canister in a church.
For these reasons and countless more I hate him. I truly do.
Thank you for your time.
Oh, Hi Dan, I was wondering when you'd stop by.
And you and Chris got a coupon for Outback, so it wasn't a complete loss taking me there. You kids ever use that?
Good thing I filled up on Guinness at Colson's before we went, though.
I'm fond of playing "Happy Birthday" on the jukebox in cop bars. I don't consider that evil though.
Putting on Tori's "Me and a Gun," on the other hand, probably counts as evil, no matter what kind of bar you're in.
Except one filled with frat rats and their potential date rape victims, which is where I did it, so my conscience is clear.
More or less.