It's a Frequently Asked Questions entry, an unfunded Federal mandate left over from the Clinton administration. Effin' liberals. . .
- Who are you, anyway?
- Aaron Hawkins, of Chicago, Illinois. Went to school at Avalon Park, Gillespie, McDade Classical, Whitney Young, Deer Creek Jr. High, Homewood-Flossmoor and finished up, to date, at the mother-fucking, trigger-happy University of Illinois at Shampoo-Banana.
- Why do you call Champaign-Urbana "Shampoo-Banana"?
- Because it amuses me to do so.
- Why do you spell it "ignint" while Margaret Cho spells it "ignant"?
- Because she ignint.
- You hate white people.
- Please restate your response in the form of a question.
- Why do you hate white people?
- Nigh on half a millennium of oppression.
- Don't you feel you're setting back race relations by using the term "cracka," thus harming the cause of Martin's dream?
- Your point being. . .?
- Don't you think you'd be more persuasive and make more friends if you weren't so antagonistic?
- . . . the fuck makes you think I'm interested in making friends?
- Then you're interested in making enemies?
- . . . the fuck part of "I am so over dualism" are you having a problem with?
- Are you a member of the Nation of Islam?
- No, because I can't figure out how to tie a bow tie, and clip-ons are gauche.
- Why have you never condemned racist and antisemitic statements made by Screwy Louis Farrakhan?
- I take no responsibility for what comes out the Honorable Minister Farrakhan's mouth, or for when he sticks his foot in it. I gots my own shit to worry about. And I don't see your cracka ass pouncing on every racist statement made by your fellow crackas, unless you think you can get some political traction out of it. Concordantly, shut the fuck up.
- Why are you still talking like the Architect?
- Because it amuses me to do so.
- Is that what it's all about for you? Amusing yourself?
- If you have to ask that question, you're too stupid for me to waste time talking with. You may go. I give you leave to go.
Any other questions? Post 'em in comments.
I might even answer them.
Update: Added links for the Chicago Public Schools I went to, and for Screw of I. Fuck suburbia. I hated that shit.
Yes, the fact that I went to McDade Classical and Whitney Young Magnet should tell you something. But you're probably still gonna treat me like an ignint nigga, cracka.
And I only gots a B.A. from UIUC -- grad students are some bitter mother fuckers, and I prefer my sunny disposition -- in Linguistics, concentration on Computational Linguistics/Cognitive Science and Computer-Based Language Instruction. Seemed like a good idea at the time. And I was only a course shy of a minor in African Studies -- three years of Swahili, most of which I've forgotten from lack of use -- but of course I was too lazy to actually get it.
Besides, don't see that improving my marketability in the job market too much, and that's why you pursue higher edjumacation, right? To make serious bank?
Would'a stayed in Electrical Engineering instead of changing majors if that was the case. . .
Update: Bonus footage, mercifully left on the cutting room floor.
- But if I was to use the word "nigger" on my site, you'd say I was racist!
- Oh, don't be silly.
You don't have to use the word nigger for me to call you racist.
- But that's a double standard! That's racist!
- Hold up.
My ass faces employment discrimination, housing discrimination, a shorter life expectancy, a higher unemployment rate, a way better chance of getting a cap in my ass from the cops because the wallet/cell phone/Three Musketeers bar I'm holding somehow looks like a gun in my hand. . . and you're whining, not because you can't use a racial slur on your website, but because people might say things that hurt your poor widdle whiteboy feelings if you do?
My god, you're right, that is racist. Tell you what, sign up with BitPass so's I can give you a quarter, so you can call somebody gives a shit.
- . . . phone call costs more than a quarter now, gramps.
- Then dial down the middle with 1-800-CALL-ATT! Free for you, cheap for them!
- Oh my God. All this time, all these years. . . and I never suspected the truth. You. . . you're secretly Carrot Top, aren't you?
- BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!