From Dru Blood: More from Chapter 3 (drop by her place for context, he suggested):
Few abusive men rely entirely on verbal abuse or intimidation to control their partners. Being a nonstop bully is too much work, and it makes the man look bad. If he is abusive all the time, his partner starts to recognize that she's being abused, and the man may feel too guilty about his behavior. The abuser therefore tends to switch frequently to manipulating his partner to get what he wants. He may also sometimes use these tactics just to get her upset or confused.There are some signs of manipulation by abusers that you can watch for:
- Changing his moods abruptly and frequently
Yep, I've done that. . .
- Denying the obvious about what he is doing or feeling.
. . . and that.
- Getting you to feel sorry for him
. . . um. . .
- Getting you to blame yourself, or blame other people, for what he does.
Eheh.
Right, think I'll have to pick up a copy of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. And try to use it for self-analysis instead of as an instruction manual. . .
I'm quite serious here.
If the self-mocking Veiny Evil has lent the impression that I'm not taking any blame for the end of my relationship with Heather. . . that's not right.
That's not right at all.
Except "blame" might not be the right word there, but damned if I know what is. Might could be the two of us could work out the whys and wherefores with a long conversation over some girly drinks, but since that probably ain't happening anytime soon. . .
Not sure how to end that sentence either.
Or know perfectly well, but don't care to admit it to myself, let alone the Great Unwashed dropping by here on a regular basis.
Cordelia would be so disappointed in me.
It seems I do have some tact after all.
don't shoot: just want to say...yeah.
every day visiting dru's site is like riding a pogo-cycle with a spring-loaded boot for a seat.
when "blame" stopped working for me i tried exchanging it for "responsibility", which one takes for oneself rather than putting on someone else, but i have no more answers than that guy burning garbage in the parking lot in "repo man". and in some situations words are all pretty disappointing conveyors of meaning.
i'm in your corner, if there's room. otherwise feel free to chuck this in the "I.M.F." file...
Something to remember is that if you read any books on psychological stuff of any kind, you will invariably see yourself in some of the symptoms/patterns described. It's like how med students all become hypochondriacs for a while; mental health pros all go through a period in their studies where they self-diagnose a lot, too. (So do their wives, when they leave their books lying around, not even locked up or anything.)
Not to say there's nothing to potentially learn from such things, but -- always try to keep the picture a balanced whole, rather than a flashlight picking out small details in the dark, if you see what I mean.
garrity, point taken. Thought about that myself writing the entry, but figured saying it would sound like I was trying to avoid admitting what accuracy does exist in the. . .
Pre-coffee syntax. Shutting up now.
r@d@r, "responsibility" is one of them grown-up folks words. Don't think I've quite reached that stage yet dealing with this.
Hence, the Veiny and Evil routine. Lets me act out while maintaining a degree of emotional distance and. . .
Coffee. Me. Now.
The author of the book specifies that "abusive men" exist on a spectrum (he actually has written the book aobut "angry and controlling men" but uses the term "abusive" out of convenience) and that some men may exhibit SOME of the behaviors described in the book, but not all of them. The author feels that the behaviors in the book, when used consistently by men towards their partners, are ALL detrimental towards women. AND he feels that abusive men (by his definition) ARE curable, but not by traditional therapy which focuses on how to heal yourself rather than how to heal the way you interact with others.
One of the things the author of the book specifies as a good sign that a man can overcome his abusive behavior is guilt. A man who feels guilty over his behavior is more likely to take the steps to change his behavior.
It's a very well-written book, and I recommend it, AND I appreciate the fact that quoting from it might be jarring some feelings from people who might have work to do (your judgment, not mine).
I'm getting ready to post some uncomfortable stuff, and to know in advance that it might help some people makes me feel a lot better about it.
Dru, keep doing what you're doing.
Not that you need my permission or encouragment or whatever that phrase is supposed to mean. . .
I'm gonna keep schtum on this for the time being; think I'm heading wa-a-a-y into, "Uppity-Negro.com is brought to you by the letters T, M, I" territory.
Flippant language used to mask/shield raw emotion, obviously. But we've all figured out that much about me by now, right?
"A man who feels guilty over his behavior is more likely to take the steps to change his behavior."
w00t. I'm well on my way to saint-hood then. ;)
Seriously, though. Great posts, both of you.
I'm guessing this book needs to go on my reading list too.
It's like how med students all become hypochondriacs for a while; mental health pros all go through a period in their studies where they self-diagnose a lot, too. (So do their wives,
so do their *wives*? as if a perfectly gender-neutral 'spouse', or if one wanted to include the unwed and/or gay, 'lover', didn't exist. what is the benefit to treating the categories of 'med students' and 'mental health pros' as implicitly male?
Hello, tourist! Greetings from chilly Chicago!
Was about to delete that shit, but am in a "cut off your head and stick it on a fucking pike" sort of a mood.
You want to use a nick rather than your name? Cool.
You want to spamblock your email addy? Cool.
Nick plus fake address?
Not.
On.
My.
Site.
Additionally, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, and need to shut the fuck up.
Thank you for your kind attention.
The Mgt.
tonio, saint-hood is all well and good, but I personally recommend a chat with Melek Taus.