- "I really didn't appreciate what you said."
- "I am really pissed off at your dumb ass right now."
See, I think part of the problem I'm running into with some (white) folk these days is, I think those two sentences are (at a deeper level) identical in terms of meaning. It's just the former attempts to disguise/minimize the speaker's emotional state, while the latter just throws it all out there, sort of the Negro version of the Satir mode Leveling.
Meaning, I see no problem with responding to the first sentence with the second one (or, if I'm in a playful mood, with "And would you like a list of things I don't appreciate?").
Which response(s) generally cause the (white) person I'm talking to to go into wounded puppy/victim mode and ask why I'm being so mean or angry or uppity. As for that last one, duh, it's right in the domain, fool. Angry, um, at least I'm honestly expressing that anger instead of gift-wrapping it in psychobabble. And mean?
I'd argue that one.
I am, however, calm enough right now to discuss this matter. And I think it's necessary, because otherwise I'm gonna keep having to slap mother fuckers down keep running into the same difficulties.
Oh, one last thing, though. This is a restricted request for discussion on the whole language use thing, as separate from social context generally and my particular social context specifically. My response to unsolicited advice these days is, "Why don't you try looking in a mirror? Before I fucking smash you into one face-first?"
Just so we're clear on that.
No, this is calm. Really. You can tell, because I'm swearing. When I'm really pissed off, I start writing like a linguist.
Update: Ok, now that the bits of my brain that refuse to operate properly until they're loaded up with caffeine and nicotine are satisfied. . .
I realize the second example sentence (should'a used <ul> for that list) is overtly hostile, but I'd argue that the first is covertly so, and I have neither the time nor the patience for dealing with that sort of bullshit these days. I know the game, probably better than most of the people playing it, and I don't feel like playing it anymore, capeesh?
Now it's possible the person who is playing isn't aware that that's what they're doing on a conscious level.
Ask me if I care.
Things like that hinder rather than assist honest dialogue, even if those who use 'em honestly believe that they're being mature. I'd argue, again, that they're really not, and figure the proof is how quickly they lose it -- sometimes totally lose it -- when you refuse to play along.
Oh, and I am being mean up in there; you can't really separate language use from a social context. Well, you can, but only at a more abstract/theoretical level than what I'm banging on about here.
The colorless green ideas, they sleep furiously.
So true;
Every once in a while, it's important to just say "fuck you."
Especially if that's what you're really thinking anyway.
A lot of people don't understand that excessive politeness is often a cover for extreme offense. When I get really polite is when I'm verbally at my most dangerous. (When I get even more angry and start swearing again after that, I'm much less dangerous to the person I'm mad at, because I've probably cut them dead out of my life.)
In terms of the initial language you use with people who offend you, I guess it depends on your goal. If you want to improve someone's behavior towards you, I would suggest moderation, even if the moderation is a cleaned up version of the second statement (e.g., "when you say 'x', it makes me really angry because ..."). Now, if you don't give a shit, go ahead and let them have it, both barrels.
That's my experience in dealing with guys who don't get the parallel issues with women, anyway. *thinks about parallels between 'uppity' and 'humorless'*
Well, the article you linked a while back made a big point of tone. I think that's the thing to think about here. There are a lot of different ways someone could say the "polite" sentence, and the same goes for the "uppity" one. You could say the former in a very snotty way, and you could say the latter in a way that is just jokey enough to convey that you're not actually saying the person is a dumbass, and the latter would be more constructive.
Using an insulting tone, emphasizing certain words, etc., is a way of being aggressive without having to take responsibility for it. People who do such things are being controlling, and that kind of behavior is only reinforced when that person is in a privileged position because they're a man or white or something. There are different, but sort of analogous, stereotypes about both women and black people being more irrational or emotional than men/white people that help undermine people who are having these strategies used on them. A fairly obvious example would be someone saying "I really didn't appreciate what you said," getting an angry response, and saying, "Jeez, I was just expressing my feelings in a rational manner, and you start freaking out. Are you sure you're not feeling a little premenstrual?" (Though most of the time those ideas aren't brought out to the surface, just alluded to in a more subtle way--at least, if you're dealing with a someone who's REALLY good at the passive-aggressive thing.)
All that having been said, I think that sometimes you can feel a certain way, and find yourself with the option of expressing it in a way that might feel more "honest" but could escalate conflict or another way that is still technically honest but that puts things in the most constructive, non-accusatory sort of way, and the latter is better. Why not get your thoughts out in a way that doesn't make things worse? Sometimes you can phrase things in a way that barely seems different, but it can make the other person feel less threatened and defensive. And putting things in a constructive way can help you to think about them constructively, too.
I know that sometimes saying angry, confrontational things makes me feel more angry than I was to begin with, or makes me feel stubbornly committed to a level of anger I didn't have at the start of the argument. Whereas putting things in a way that's less hurtful can actually help me to calm down, as if pretending to be calm (at least, it feels like pretending sometimes) actually made my feelings change.
I wrote that and then I scrolled down and saw someone asked you (in a comment to an earlier post) if you were on your period. Weird!
Susan, you know the really funny thing about that. . .
And I have often considered just saying to some folks, "Sorry, I don't speak passive-aggressive bitch." But feel this would not be constructive.
And that second paragraph, about a "person [who] is in a privileged position because they're a man or white". Do you know Gray, then?
Well, guess you don't have to. Pretty much standard-issue, that sort. You've seen one, you've seen 'em all.
Ginger, part of this was probably fueled by finally getting around to reading Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand. She mentions that her previous book, That's Not What I Meant!, discussed regional, class, racial, etc. differences, but most of the attention went to gender. Suppose I could expand on the racial ones in me thesis. . .