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June 14, 2002
Dale Carnegie gave me a refund
How to Win Friends and Influence People I:
When an acquaintance expresses puzzlement as to why anyone would want to see the new(ish) Star Wars movie, tell her, "It's dumb and the dialog sucks, but it's pretty to look at. Same reason I hang out with you, basically."
How to Win Friends and Influence People II:
When the person in front of you at the coffee shop finishes a diatribe against native tribes with, "We let them have casinos, what more do they want?", offer as answer, "For you punk-ass crackers to go the fuck back where you came from."
How to Win Friends and Influence People III:
Should this last suggestion result in a laundry list of countries or ethnic groups, e.g. "I'm part-German, part-Irish, part-English. . .", ask that the person note which body part comes from which country, and let them know that their corpse will be skillfully dismembered, and the appropriate bits sent par avion to the corresponding area for proper disposal.
And that was all before noon. Today has to improve. It just has to.
Should I put the older stuff here? It'd probably be easy enough to write a script to do 'em all in one swell foop, except there are no time stamps. Which is why I falsified the date & time on this one. But what's a little Stalinist revisionism among friends?
Posted by Aaron at June 14, 2002 12:15 PM