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December 20, 2003
A.I.: His hate is real. But he is not.
It's a Frequently Asked Questions entry, an unfunded Federal mandate left over from the Clinton administration. Effin' liberals. . .
- Who are you, anyway?
- Aaron Hawkins, of Chicago, Illinois. Went to school at Avalon Park, Gillespie, McDade Classical, Whitney Young, Deer Creek Jr. High, Homewood-Flossmoor and finished up, to date, at the mother-fucking, trigger-happy University of Illinois at Shampoo-Banana.
- Why do you call Champaign-Urbana "Shampoo-Banana"?
- Because it amuses me to do so.
- Why do you spell it "ignint" while Margaret Cho spells it "ignant"?
- Because she ignint.
- You hate white people.
- Please restate your response in the form of a question.
- Why do you hate white people?
- Nigh on half a millennium of oppression.
Cracka.
- Don't you feel you're setting back race relations by using the term "cracka," thus harming the cause of Martin's dream?
- Your point being. . .?
- Don't you think you'd be more persuasive and make more friends if you weren't so antagonistic?
- . . . the fuck makes you think I'm interested in making friends?
- Then you're interested in making enemies?
- . . . the fuck part of "I am so over dualism" are you having a problem with?
- Are you a member of the Nation of Islam?
- No, because I can't figure out how to tie a bow tie, and clip-ons are gauche.
- Why have you never condemned racist and antisemitic statements made by Screwy Louis Farrakhan?
- I take no responsibility for what comes out the Honorable Minister Farrakhan's mouth, or for when he sticks his foot in it. I gots my own shit to worry about. And I don't see your cracka ass pouncing on every racist statement made by your fellow crackas, unless you think you can get some political traction out of it. Concordantly, shut the fuck up.
- Why are you still talking like the Architect?
- Because it amuses me to do so.
- Is that what it's all about for you? Amusing yourself?
- If you have to ask that question, you're too stupid for me to waste time talking with. You may go. I give you leave to go.
Any other questions? Post 'em in comments.
I might even answer them.
Update: Added links for the Chicago Public Schools I went to, and for Screw of I. Fuck suburbia. I hated that shit.
Yes, the fact that I went to McDade Classical and Whitney Young Magnet should tell you something. But you're probably still gonna treat me like an ignint nigga, cracka.
And I only gots a B.A. from UIUC -- grad students are some bitter mother fuckers, and I prefer my sunny disposition -- in Linguistics, concentration on Computational Linguistics/Cognitive Science and Computer-Based Language Instruction. Seemed like a good idea at the time. And I was only a course shy of a minor in African Studies -- three years of Swahili, most of which I've forgotten from lack of use -- but of course I was too lazy to actually get it.
Besides, don't see that improving my marketability in the job market too much, and that's why you pursue higher edjumacation, right? To make serious bank?
Would'a stayed in Electrical Engineering instead of changing majors if that was the case. . .
Update: Bonus footage, mercifully left on the cutting room floor.
- But if I was to use the word "nigger" on my site, you'd say I was racist!
- Oh, don't be silly.
You don't have to use the word nigger for me to call you racist.
- But that's a double standard! That's racist!
- Hold up.
My ass faces employment discrimination, housing discrimination, a shorter life expectancy, a higher unemployment rate, a way better chance of getting a cap in my ass from the cops because the wallet/cell phone/Three Musketeers bar I'm holding somehow looks like a gun in my hand. . . and you're whining, not because you can't use a racial slur on your website, but because people might say things that hurt your poor widdle whiteboy feelings if you do?
My god, you're right, that is racist. Tell you what, sign up with BitPass so's I can give you a quarter, so you can call somebody gives a shit.
- . . . phone call costs more than a quarter now, gramps.
- Then dial down the middle with 1-800-CALL-ATT! Free for you, cheap for them!
- Oh my God. All this time, all these years. . . and I never suspected the truth. You. . . you're secretly Carrot Top, aren't you?
- BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Aaron at December 20, 2003 06:02 AM
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Comments
You know I love you, but you need to sleep more, sweetie. There was something almost Lewis Carroll about the move to CarrotTop, there.
Posted by: neogrammarian at December 20, 2003 09:10 AM
Neo, that's really why I left that scene out of the theatrical release. It works on its own, but thematically it just didn't fit the rest of the material, and didn't really move the story forward.
Plus, you want to keep the running time down on these things to fit in an extra showing per day.
Posted by: Aaron at December 20, 2003 10:24 AM
Oh my damn! you a Young'in too?
Posted by: j. brotherlove at December 20, 2003 04:32 PM
Yup, but only for 7th grade.
Long story.
That was, I think 82-83 school year. Was you there too around that time?
Posted by: Aaron at December 20, 2003 10:57 PM
Guy at MLA couple years back inadvertently called it "University of Illinois, Urbana Sharp Pain." Your version's more evocative tho.
Posted by: Mr Ripley at December 21, 2003 05:31 AM
...eerily, yes.
Posted by: j. brotherlove at December 21, 2003 04:26 PM
Mr Ripley, wish I could take credit for that, but it was a pretty common nick for the place, among the folks I ran with there anyway.
j, ok, that's weird. When were you there?
Posted by: Aaron at December 21, 2003 09:27 PM
But, Mr. Ripley, it Is terribly amusing that it happened at MLA.
Posted by: neogrammarian at December 22, 2003 08:37 AM
The glorious years of 81-85. And don't you dare grab a yearbook!
Posted by: j. brotherlove at December 22, 2003 11:00 AM
No love at all for H-F? I do remember a Veiny Evil guy who sat in front of me in Biology. The timeline you've described may not exactly jibe with mine, however, but damn close.
Curious about the Swahili, in terms of feeling that you've forgotten it, surely it's still in the grey matter, right? I'm asking because I see a big difference just among folks I know between people who acquired a second or third language as an adult and still retain most of their fluency, and people who are well to remember any of it. I would have thought the difference would boil down just to who kept using it (and therefore kept it) and who didn't, but that doesn't seem to be the sole factor at work. I've encountered enough people who can still riff off the language they learned in school 15+ years ago, even though they haven't made a concerted effort to use it on a regular basis, and others where the data just disappears. Obviously this must be complex, and I'm not trying to put you on the spot to come up with an extensive answer, although judging by some of your other entries I wouldn't doubt your ability to be up for it.
And if you really and truly are Carrot Top, and this has all been an elaborate ruse to fulfill your spokespersonly obligations, I'm sorry to let you know that I make almost all my long-distance calls on my cell.
Posted by: TJ at December 24, 2003 05:14 AM
Nope, no love for H-F. I swear, if it wasn't for The Hotness That Is Nina X., I'd cauterize the parts of my brainmeats that still retain some dim memory of that hellhole. Which I attended from 85 to 88, if that helps.
And I wasn't Veiny and Evil then; that's a fairly recent development, following some soul-searching/a conversation with the Peacock Angel Lucifer/Melek Taus, which led me to cathartically purge my anger at my porn star dyke ex-girlfriend, but left me being Veiny, Evil, Stupid and Horny (abbreviated/acronym'd to VESH), while she performed a Stalinist Revisionist purge of (almost) all mention of me on her site
and, last time I checked, blocked me from posting comments after I foolishly offered tech support advice a few weeks back.
Hi, my name is Aaron, and I'm expository dialogue guy.
Glib answer on the language thang is some last gasp of the Language Acquisition Device allowing some people to soak up the things and retain 'em, while others had to learn 'em the hard way, and "lost" that
knowledge from disuse same way you would any other info that you didn't have to pull out of your thoughtpeach for a while; sure, you might'a memorized the Periodic Table of Elements or all 50 states and capitals (or the nations of Europe and their capitals) for a test in high school, but could you dump that info now? I think not.).
Did I mention that it's early and I've only had one cup of coffee? And no Mountain Dew or Red Bull?
[Comment update: Looking back over this with the benefit of additional coffee. . . wow, I shouldn't write on one cup. The truly horrifying thing is that it's pretty much accurate, while still sounding like the ramblings of a lunatic.]
Posted by: Aaron at December 24, 2003 06:30 AM